Mission: Self Care

I think the topic of self care is so important for anyone. Any mother out there knows that life changes when you have children. And if you happen to be a mother who has a child with a disability, like autism, well the idea of self care can at times feel non existent. It least, in my case that is how it has been.

I have been challenging myself these last few months to care about me. To really understand that I deserve to feel good, to be happy, to do things that aren't autism related. I can honestly say that I feel like I am a shell of my former self. I don't even recognize the face looking at me in the mirror. I have gone to battle and my body, my energy shows it. I don't want autism to destroy me... I don't want autism to win.

And it is this simple:

Happy and healthy mother= Happy Noah

Happy and healthy wife= Happy husband

I deserve to be happy and healthy. I am an important piece to the puzzle of my son's recovery.

So, what have I been doing to change this?

Well, it has been baby steps. About 4 months ago I was treated by our homeopath for depression, anxiety and hormonal problems. I can honestly say this alone helped me tremendously.

I also have been on a mission to reduce our toxin exposure (see previous post). I went on a detox and boy did I detox! We are utilizing respite and going out as a couple more. I am reaching out to friends and mother's in the autism and CEASE therapy community. I feel so much better knowing I have people who can relate to what we are going through. I am starting to exercise again on a regular basis. I am rejoining the world of the living in a way. Grief and depression took me over for a while but I am coming out of it now.

I hope this post encourages others to put themselves back on their "to do" list. We are important.

The School of Autism- The Degree I Never Wanted!

It has been about 6 months since we realized that Noah had a problem.  These months have been a mixture of fear, grief, exhaustion, sleepless nights and tons and tons of research and fighting to get services for our son.... We have been in survival mode these last 6 months. Our priority has been helping our little boy.  And we have neglected ourselves in the process. I stopped caring about myself- haven't worked out in ages.... stopped taking my vitamins..... haven't paid attention to my diet.... I haven't practiced the self care that I preach to other people in the work I do. The School of Autism has exhausted me to the core. I am so drained when I get home I barely have the energy to do one-on-one work with Noah.

I know that I must take care of myself so I can care for Noah... I know this.... but I am not doing anything about it. So I am going to start small. I am going to drink at least 6-8 glasses of water a day and start taking multi vitamins again. I also will read a devotional each day as part of my self care. I hope eventually I will have the energy to work out, but this will do for now. Who knows, I might go really crazy and get my hair cut or get a massage this weekend!

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In other news, Noah is doing well. He is very present and engaged with us. He prefers to be with us rather than on his own. He is pointing independently now (not to communicate though). He is doing gestures to songs (head, shoulders, knees and toes). He loves to stack blocks and complete puzzles. We catch him humming to songs he listens to each day. He is doing better with eye contact. He still struggles a bit with it but it is much better than a few months ago. 

We are working on pretend play (he doesn't quite get this), imitation of words, sounds, gestures... we are also expecting him to communicate in some way with us when he wants something. We want to hear him try to say a word, use a gesture like pointing or use sign language to tell us what he wants. We are working on using a spoon and cup (almost has the spoon down) and having him help with undressing himself (not there yet). We are also getting him used to drawing but he isn't enjoying it yet.

We are moving in a positive direction. It may not be at the rate we would like to see but we are getting there. Slowly but surely. 

Does Autism Control Our Life?

The answer is yes. I was thinking about this today. Every single part of our life is impacted/affected by autism.

Our extracurricular activities (pretty much non-existent), our finances (have to be a on a strict budget to pay for all of Noah's therapy), our food choices (can't let Noah watch us eat gluten and dairy foods), our relationships (marriage strained, no time for friends, local family not very supportive).... our days are governed in many ways by autism. We can't just relax like a typical family...go to church,  go out to dinner, watch movies, enjoy shopping because our son has difficulty with these things. When we are home we are supposed to spend every waking hour with him- engaging him, playing with him appropriately, redirecting his autistic behaviors, not allowing him to stim for too long... making every single minute educational for him. A typical toddler is learning from people naturally. Noah does not. He does not have any internal desire to look at our actions or faces. He is often in his own little world and we must constantly bring him out of this world and keep him here with us. It is exhausting to be honest with you. But, what is the other option???

So, I look forward to the day where I can say my life isn't controlled by autism- I am not sure when or how this will happen. I am praying for a miracle- I am praying for complete healing for our child. I am praying for recovery. Maybe one day, Autism will be a distant memory... a horribly sad, difficult time we went through. And if for some reason God does not allow full healing or recovery for little Noah, I pray to God that He helps us learn how to live our lives in spite of this diagnosis. I pray that we don't lose ourselves, our dreams, our marriage, our health and finances to this disorder. I don't want to be another statistic. I want to rise above this diagnosis and live life victoriously. This is my prayer.

Grief, Self Care and Trusting God

Every since we suspected our son of having autism, I have struggled with waves of grief and severe depression. I know that grief is a part of the process in coming to terms with this. I know that I must allow myself time to grieve and process these feelings I am having. I also know that I somehow have to take care of myself so I can care for my son. If I can't take care of myself I will be of no use to him. 

So, I am allowing myself time to cry. I am talking about my feelings to close friends and family. I reached out to my doctor for antidepressant. I started this blog to help me process what I am going through- an outlet of sorts. I plan to attend a support group in the near future. I am trying to take one day at a time. I am praying ALOT.

I am a Christian. And this event has greatly tested my faith. I have questioned God. I have been angry at Him- Why me? Why Noah???? I don't feel strong enough to carry this load. I know that He will not give me more than I can bear.... but I feel like I can't manage it.

I have to remember these things in my darkest hours: God created Noah for a reason. He is perfect and beautiful in His eyes. Noah has a purpose. This autism diagnosis isn't a surprise to God- it is a surprise to me. God gave Noah to me to care for and I am the right person for the job. He will help me and my family. He will bring us resources and people to help. He will take care of us because He loves us.

So, that is where I am at right now.