Every since we suspected our son of having autism, I have struggled with waves of grief and severe depression. I know that grief is a part of the process in coming to terms with this. I know that I must allow myself time to grieve and process these feelings I am having. I also know that I somehow have to take care of myself so I can care for my son. If I can't take care of myself I will be of no use to him.
So, I am allowing myself time to cry. I am talking about my feelings to close friends and family. I reached out to my doctor for antidepressant. I started this blog to help me process what I am going through- an outlet of sorts. I plan to attend a support group in the near future. I am trying to take one day at a time. I am praying ALOT.
I am a Christian. And this event has greatly tested my faith. I have questioned God. I have been angry at Him- Why me? Why Noah???? I don't feel strong enough to carry this load. I know that He will not give me more than I can bear.... but I feel like I can't manage it.
I have to remember these things in my darkest hours: God created Noah for a reason. He is perfect and beautiful in His eyes. Noah has a purpose. This autism diagnosis isn't a surprise to God- it is a surprise to me. God gave Noah to me to care for and I am the right person for the job. He will help me and my family. He will bring us resources and people to help. He will take care of us because He loves us.
So, that is where I am at right now.